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Love Actually


It isn’t like the movies


You grew up watching movies about quirky boys and cute girls, doing interesting things with each other. Not necessarily in that order. Pretty people who were real but not quite, living the life that you so desperately wanted. You craved that feeling of being loved and loving, it was your drug. You were an addict. You read about a girl named Alaska and you went looking. You saw Rachel and Ross kiss and you believed that maybe people can be more than friends. You watched Jai Singh Rathore sing for Aditi and you wanted to be him so bad. You felt your heart break when Summer broke up with Tom so you started listening to the Smith's. You saw Ted finally meet the mother and your heart lit up. Where's that yellow umbrella?



All the while you patiently waited for the girl that would make you feel alive, your girl.

A part of you knew that it would never happen, you weren't stupid. The boys in the stories, they were pretty. You weren't. At best you could be the funny fat sidekick, too bad you weren't that funny. People didn’t look at you, they looked through you. Never really giving you a chance to be yourself because they didn't like what they saw. Who can blame them? You didn't like looking in the mirror either. You were 15 and you'd never even held a girls hand much less kissed her. But a part of you kept hoping. Stupid.


You're 18 now, your hair is long and messy. You count your calories and log your food. People think you're anorexic but you have a jaw line now so f**k them. You still don't look in the mirror but people have started looking at you. Really looking. Some of them like what they see. One day you meet a pretty girl and things just click. Suddenly it's like all the books you've read, you have a reason to wake up now. She gets like no one else does, things are just easy. She understands your phobias and anxieties; she likes your sense of humor. Most of all she finds you attractive. Wow, lucky you.


She's the first girl you've ever loved, you're her 4th. You love her blindly; she's the one for sure. You have your first kiss finally, it's amazing. She's your first everything. You're her first nothing. Then you learn something the movies never show you. People can change. Suddenly she's not the same person anymore; she says she doesn't feel the same. Nothing makes sense. You say hurtful things to each other, you really don't want to. Why can't it just go back to the way it was? It can't.


Now she's barely a stranger and you're losing yourself. You're not really alive, you're just living. Does it ever get better?


After that a series of girls follows, names that you can't really remember. Or you don't want to. You're a late bloomer; you have a lot of catching up to do. And boy, do you catch up.


You don't know what love feels like anymore. You love your mom and you love yourself and you love your friends. But that's about it. Before you were all in, now you're looking for reasons to get out. You don't want a "girlfriend" anymore, f**k you can barely say the word. No thanks. You know people are going to disappoint you so why give them the chance.


It doesn't matter if she's a talented poet or an impulsive artist or your best friend. It's not that you can't trust, you just don't want to. You can't be disappointed again. You've accepted the truth and it's bitter but freeing. There is no perfect quirky girl that's going to fix you, it's not her responsibility. She can't add color to your dull world because she doesn't exist. She only exists between the pages of books and on shiny screens. You know all this but this time, you can't help but wonder


What if this is love?

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ASPIRING WRITER | Love Actually - by @itsumarrwrites